I’m going to say something extremely biased. Almost offensive. But I don’t care.
The real foundation of any relationship—friends, family, romantic partners—is not how much you care, how kind you are, or how many times you’ve helped them move. It’s how much value you bring. How useful you are to them.
You can be the sweetest person in the world. You can remember every birthday, send thoughtful gifts, listen to their problems for hours. But if you don’t have something they need—money, resources, connections, status, or at least the ability to solve a specific problem for them—the relationship will eventually feel hollow. It won’t last.
I know this sounds cynical. It sounds cold. But look around.
Think about your own life. The people you stay close to over the years—are they the ones who are just nice? Or are they the ones who help you grow, who introduce you to someone important, who give you career advice, who lend you money when you’re stuck, who have skills you respect?
Most of us don’t admit it, but the relationships that survive are the ones where both sides feel they’re getting something. It’s an exchange. Not always money, but something of value. Respect. Access. Support. Knowledge.
This is why so many people feel disappointed in their relationships. They think “if I’m good enough, people will stay.” They invest in being a nice person but never in being a valuable person. They focus on politeness instead of power. They think loyalty comes from love, not from utility.
Let me give you a concrete example. I have a friend who is extremely kind. He’ll drive you to the airport at 5 AM. He’ll listen to your breakup story for three hours. But he’s broke, has no career direction, and never introduces you to anyone interesting. Over time, people stop calling him. They don’t hate him. They just don’t see a reason to invest time. He’s a good person, but he’s not useful.
On the other hand, I know a guy who is often rude, doesn’t remember your name half the time, and never asks how you’re doing. But he’s a top engineer at a hot startup, has deep industry connections, and can help you get a job or solve a critical technical problem. People flock to him. They forgive his personality because he’s useful.
I’m not saying you should be an asshole. I’m saying kindness without utility is like a sports car with no gas. It looks nice but goes nowhere.
The hard truth is: people don’t owe you a relationship just because you’re polite. You have to earn your place in their life by providing something they can’t easily get elsewhere. It could be money, but more often it’s expertise, perspective, resourcefulness, or the ability to open doors.
And this applies to family too. Yes, parents love you unconditionally in theory. But in practice, the adult children who get the most respect from their parents are the ones who are successful, who can offer advice, who can help when things go wrong. If you’re 35 and still living at home with no job, your parents may love you but they won’t respect you. The relationship becomes one-sided. It becomes a burden.
So what do you do? Stop trying to be the world’s nicest person. Start building something about yourself that is useful. That means:
- Develop a skill that people value. Learn to code, write, sell, negotiate, invest, or fix things. Become the person others call when they have a problem.
- Build your network. Not by being nice, but by being interesting and helpful. Share knowledge. Introduce people. Solve problems.
- Increase your financial capacity. Money isn’t everything, but it’s the most flexible form of usefulness. When you have money, you can help people in ways that matter.
- Become a source of perspective. If you can help someone see their life differently, you are useful.
The sooner you accept this, the less disappointed you will be. People aren’t cold; they’re rational. They gravitate toward what helps them survive and thrive. That’s not evil. That’s just life.
And honestly, once you start thinking this way, you’ll stop wasting energy on relationships that have no exchange. You’ll focus on people who reciprocate your value. You’ll stop feeling used—because you’ll see it as an exchange, not a gift.
So no, you don’t have to be a jerk. But you’d better be useful. Because nice doesn’t pay the bills. And it doesn’t keep friends, either.